Dad jokes

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Tue Feb 23, 2021 8:10 pm

1. The meaning of opaque is unclear.
2. I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.
3. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
4. A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
5. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
6. If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
7. I read an article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.
8. So what if I don't know the meaning of the word 'apocalypse'? It's not the end of the world.
9. Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.
10. The other day I held the door open for a clown. He thought it was a nice jester.
11. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
12. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
13. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
14. Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?
15. I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.
16. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
17. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
18. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
19. What is a thesaurus's favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
20. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
21. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
22. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Wed Mar 03, 2021 2:17 pm

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toxicavenger
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by toxicavenger » Wed Mar 03, 2021 6:54 pm

amckiwi wrote:
Fri Feb 19, 2021 5:38 pm
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True story. My mom cooked dinner for her church. They asked what she used for meat in the stew. She used this joke. They were not amused at all. And yes this was in Louisiana. I laughed my ass off about it.

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Wed Mar 03, 2021 7:11 pm

EVER WONDER ...?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Wed Mar 03, 2021 7:13 pm

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Sun Mar 28, 2021 7:47 pm

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Sun Apr 04, 2021 3:39 pm

As I got out on the 11th floor, the lift operator said "Have a good day, son"
"Don't call me son. You are not my dad", I replied sarcastically
As the doors closed, he looked me in the eye and said "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Fri Apr 09, 2021 2:50 pm

A giant gorilla gatecrashed the world table tennis championship in China last night... The local media reported the event by saying ....
There was a King Kong ding dong at the Hong Kong ping pong!!

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gwells
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by gwells » Thu Apr 22, 2021 10:50 am

underwear style dad jokes that, believe it or not, came from asking amazon alexa for skidmark/poop jokes (not me, from a twitter thread).

what do you call a skidmark that won't come out? Undie Turd
what did the underwear say to the poop? here's looking at you, skid.
why did the skidmark lose the election? they ran a smear campaign.

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DoctorC
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by DoctorC » Thu Apr 22, 2021 12:52 pm

Undie Turd....
😂😂😂😂
Greg

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Fri Apr 23, 2021 3:59 am

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BacoNoir
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by BacoNoir » Thu Apr 29, 2021 5:05 am

Do songbirds look down on hummingbirds for not knowing all the words?
Time Magazine Person of the Year - 2006
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rockmastermike
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by rockmastermike » Thu Apr 29, 2021 6:07 am

Where do I keep all of my Dad Jokes?



In the Dadabase


:rimshot:

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BacoNoir
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by BacoNoir » Wed May 05, 2021 6:17 pm

Why is 6 scared of 7?


Because 7, 8 (ate), 9!
Time Magazine Person of the Year - 2006
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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Tue May 18, 2021 2:27 am

Women have been rejecting the various covid jabs.
Evidently they are worried about getting Aunty bodies

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Fri May 21, 2021 4:28 am

An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

I didn’t think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.

I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.

Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.

I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Thu May 27, 2021 6:20 pm

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Fri May 28, 2021 6:00 pm

The forest can be a scary place if you take the psychopath

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hoppes-no9
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by hoppes-no9 » Sat May 29, 2021 8:40 am

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gwells
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by gwells » Fri Jun 11, 2021 4:36 pm

Spouse (innocent): I like jalapeños
Me: well, of course. They're such a personally invasive food.
Spouse (unsuspecting, vulnerable): wait what? Why?

Me: ...Because they're jalapeño business

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Sat Jun 12, 2021 2:27 am

I was kidnapped by a group of mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

I tried to organize a professional Hide-and-Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. The really good players are hard to find.

Did you know there's no official training for trash collectors? They just pick things up as they go along.

I used to be addicted to soap… but I'm clean now.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust!

I really enjoy tennis, but I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around his old comb. He just can't part with it

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it because you didn't like it.

Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, "Do you ever worry about that mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"

I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. Never again!

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gwells
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by gwells » Wed Jun 30, 2021 8:14 pm

Guess there's actually a restaurant on the moon now, but it's getting bad reviews.

No atmosphere.

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Fri Jul 16, 2021 2:14 am

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side .
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work .
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being Frank.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils
She had a photographic memory but never developed it
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize
Need an ark? I Noah guy
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus!

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amckiwi
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Name: Stu

Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Mon Aug 16, 2021 6:33 pm

Confucius did NOT say…



Man with no garden often looks forlorn!
Bird with no beak was born to succeed!
Man, who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired; man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Men who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glasshouse should change clothes in basement.
Men who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS SAY…

“ A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!”

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amckiwi
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Re: Dad jokes

Post by amckiwi » Wed Aug 18, 2021 10:35 pm

People are so judgemental these days
You can tell just by looking at them

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